Allow myself to introduce.....myself. My name is Lisa and I pee in the ocean. (also known to pee in pools buts that's neither here nor there...)
*side-note: if you get any of the references I use, congratulations-we're now best friends. call me...
I like jokes, but not of the fart variety. I have a 5 year old that follows me around telling me dumbass poop jokes. No matter how many times I tell her that the phrase "booty moo moo" is neither funny OR a real joke, she doesn't care and continues to tell it. She’s also one of those annoyingly dorky people cause she laughs at her own jokes.
I also laugh at my own jokes.....but in a totally undorky way. [insert laugh with added seal-like clapping here]
I don't see the point in taking life too seriously. You all pick your nose at some point. So relax. Don't be an asshat.
Toddlers are assholes and are created to drive you insane.
I only recently discovered how annoying I am when I realized my asshole little 5 year old acts exactly like me. Smart-ass comments are NOT cute coming out of the mouth of someone so short. I used to think I was cool until that small walking mirror proved otherwise.
I don't like kids.
My way of communicating with people is with sarcasm, cheesy jokes, and endlessly quoting movies. I think I'm clever and have great comedic timing, others tend to think I'm a jackass who's rude. They are of course, incorrect, but I am an acquired taste, I think.
people without common sense are scary to me.
also-- if you don't know the words to the song "Gangstas Paradise".... I have no idea what you're doing with your life.
oh...and this might just be the whiskey talking, but I really love whiskey.
useless fact for the day: The medical name for a butt crack is "intergluteal cleft". True story.
anything and everything weird
crude and offensive humor
organizing things. I mean seriously-- anything organization oriented. I organize ALL THE THINGS.
tactical everything. knifes. flashlights. knife shaped like credit card with a built in flashlight that can open a wine bottle and start your car. because tactical rhymes with practical.
solar dancing toys. Don't judge me.
Betty White is my spirit animal and The Golden Girls are my squad goals.
80's movies with Chevy Chase in them. (If you've ever watched "Fletch", congratulations, we're now best friends. Call me.)
flowers. digging in the dirt.
I pay my kid with candy to rub my feet.
I'd rather be outside. Except when I'm inside.
small yard decorations.
old school Disney movies.
and some of the new ones my kid watches.
except frozen. I've seen that movie enough to want to shove a spoon in my eye.
sea glass. absolutely LOVE sea glass.
ocean inspired colors.
rainbows and anything colored in rainbow order.
teal / aqua / green minty colors.
if you have something, that every time you look at it you think "what the hell am I supposed to do with this?"......send it
I DON'T LIKE:
coffee. I don't want to stunt my growth. I want to be 5'9" like Cindy Crawford.
zoos or any place like a zoo that has animals in pins/cages. There is absolutely nothing "natural" about the habitats those places force animals to live in. I think it"s cruel to take an animal that"s used to roaming the land and putting them in a 10x12 pin.
don"t even get me started on sea world. ever seen the movie BLACKFISH? I despise sea world.
sauerkraut. I mean--ewww.
those cheesy books of funny/useless facts.
DIY catalogs / magazines (especially wood working)
friendships bracelets. cause we're best friends now-remember?
winning lottery ticket
a live-in nanny
a pair of fuzzy dice for my rear-view mirror.
DISCLAIMER: if you send any items from this list, I will assume that you love me and have agreed that we are indeed best friends.
I don't know. I can't remember.
Hi, I'm Tom.
I will NOT flake on you. If your name is chosen out of the hat for me-then by golly you'll be getting something from me. I don't like sending anything late either, but if for any reason your package won't be on time-I'll let you know. Be forewarned though-I will definitely blame everything on the kid and/or her dog sidekick
On the other hand...if you're late on sending out a swap to me--don't stress over it. I'm understanding. I have faith in you bro.
((Oh..but I will fully expect you to include a $50 gift certificate to somewhere fancy to help with the pain your absent package created. wink.))
WORD TO YOUR MOTHER.
BOOTY MOO MOO
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